cool dry place

So the microphone in your new cell phone isn’t working and the people you call can’t hear you very well. You’re going to have to take advantage of that one-year warranty. You are an empowered consumer.

A few tips to make your experience a pleasant one:

• You bought it at Wal-Mart? Return it at Wal-Mart. Don’t come to my store and whine at me about it. I wash my hands of you. Don’t like waiting in line at the customer service desk and having to produce a receipt? You’ll live. That’s the price of saving $1.13 on the phone’s suggested retail price.
• They’ll be sending it for repair or replacing it outright. Either way it’s leaving your hands. So erase any sensitive, embarrassing or incriminating information beforehand. Furthermore, why the hell would you set an obviously incriminating photograph as the wallpaper on your phone to begin with? When I turn it on and see a blurry picture of a heap of cocaine sitting on a digital scale, what do you think is going through my mind? Am I thinking, “Neat, this guy is cool and I should help him with his phone” or am I thinking of ways to get you to leave as soon as possible? This may fly when you’re coming in and talking to the co-op student, but his nose is out of commission for a while and he can’t really help you either.
• Are you drunk? Wait until you’re not drunk.

Don’t you feel even more empowered now?